I have never watched American Idol

26 Feb

I have never watched American Idol, The Bachelor, 24, or most any other must see T.V. I can’t think of a current show that I actually know its time slot by heart. Usually when I watch T.V. each flip of the channel is a great mystery as to what could be on that would be of interest to me. I am rarely interested in the same show two weeks in a row. I am more of a marathon watcher. I think it is because I like movies and this format makes a TV show more like a movie…and after the marathon is over, its over, and I don’t have to think about it again. Done.

I know it must sound like I never watch TV. But that would be a very false assumption. TV has become a security blanket of self medication for me. If I watch TV I don’t really have to think…so if I don’t think that means I don’t have to be aware of all the things that need to be done, that I need to do better, that I should do to be a better person. At night, once CB is tucked into bed and Kevin is back to hitting the books, I retreat to a cozy chair and blanket and flip on the tube and turn off the voice in my head telling me my house is dirty, I should be working out, and there are at least 10 projects that are waiting for my attention.

I have carried this small harsh voice in my head through most of my life journey. The reoccurring message in some form or other is:
I’m not a good enough daughter
I’m not a good enough friend
I’m not a good enough student
I’m not a good enough athlete
I’m not thin enough
and later
I’m not interesting enough
I’m not a good enough wife
I’m not a good enough mother
I’m not a good enough teacher
I’m not a good enough student
I’m not attractive enough
and then later…
I’m not a good enough person
I’m not a good enough Christian
I’m not enough

This small piercing voice has been devastating at different points in my life. Crippling my ambition, my confidence, my ability to love others because I hated myself.

I recently realized that the most broken part of that hurtful head-chatter is that I have been translating it all wrong. Really, what I was saying to myself when I thought all those self deprecating things is that God did not make me….(insert painful phrase here). Another words, I was really saying to myself all those years “God did not make me a good enough mother, wife, person…” that some how I was misshapen and left un-whole. When I realized I was really blaming God I felt so ashamed and convicted. Somethings started to make sense. How could I live in a true relationship with Jesus if there was a wall of guilt and blame between us? How could I be a vessel that showed his redeeming love to the world if I didn’t feel redeemed but broken myself?

I know that I am a child of God who is good and pleasing in his sight. My own failings are a result of the baggage of my own past hurts, bad habits, and continual poor choices.

So now instead of thinking that I am not well made I am trying to retrain that small harsh voice to boom loudly from within my soul that I am specially made to do great work. The rest of the baggage I am working on unpacking and cleaning up the clutter that pain can cause. It is a big job but I know I am up to the task with a little help from my Friend.


3 Responses to “I have never watched American Idol”

  1. Kelly February 26, 2009 at 6:27 pm #

    Becca, This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I really needed to hear this myself today. KL

  2. Shannon February 27, 2009 at 1:13 am #

    You ARE the woman that God has called you to be. Bless you!

  3. David T August 27, 2010 at 7:19 pm #

    I had a little time at the end of a hectic week and after seeing a post of yours on Facebook, decided to look at some of your blogs, because I remember how much I loved reading them earlier. This one struck me because I have always thought of you as excellent in nearly all of the things you saw yourself falling short. You have been one of my favorite friends for 20 years and I have nothing but fond thoughts of you. Don't know if this of any benefit, but I felt compelled to share with one of my best buddies. PS, I don't watch any recurring TV shows either.

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